All right everyone, check this!!!! Disney is paying critics, but everyone already knows that. What they might not know is how their new movie A Wrinkle In Time fits into all this. Well, let me tell you.
What are the critics saying about Wrinkle in Time?
42% of Critics liked Wrinkle in Time, with the Rotten Tomatoes critical consensus reading “A Wrinkle in Time is visually gorgeous, big-hearted, and occasionally quite moving; unfortunately, it’s also wildly ambitious to a fault, and often less than the sum of its classic parts.” Now that’s a firm and unambiguous condemnation if I’ve ever heard one!
A History of Disney Paying Critics
When Marvel Studios makes movies, they’re automatically showered with critical praise. But when their main competitors, DC Comics and Warner Bros. Studios make a movie, all the critics hate it! Marvel gets praise for both sticking to a formula AND doing different things? That can’t be right. Compare that to DC – Man of Steel? Great movie. Batman v. Superman? Modern classic. Suicide Squad? It was phenomenal! And Wonder Woman? Wonder Woman was pretty good. But all the critics panned these movies. Which doesn’t make sense because they have all the comic book characters everyone knows and love like Superman, Batman and (*checks notes*) Deadshot? So why are these movies not doing well with the critics? Well, it must be an outside force – namely, Disney paying them.
Then the other crucial piece of evidence is the critical response to Star Wars: The Last Jedi. All the critics loved it! But it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that that movie was terrible. There were so many things wrong with it: Luke Skywalker wasn’t the way I remembered him being when I watched Return of the Jedi as a kid, there were too many social-justice-warrior-women-power moments, and like who would believe that Laura Dern would come up with a plan on the spur-of-the-moment to crash her ship into the First Order ship? And like THATS NOT HOW SPACE SHIP CRASHES WORK! Ugh, it’s so bad. For a full compilation of all the things that are bad about that movie: click here.
But how could a movie with so many bad things about it be loved by critics? THEY’RE BEING PAID BY DISNEY. THAT’S IT.
Everyone knows that Disney is paying critics. Don’t believe me? Fine. Here is the DEFINITIVE EVIDENCE. That hard-hitting evidence not enough? Fine, there’s this evidence and this evidence (Let’s be clear, Wikipedia is not a valid source, but a message board always is). Here is the most definitive evidence of all.
I mean, this has to be the case because Disney has a good relationship with the press. Like, really good. Like they’ve never had a problem at all. No one has ever been critical of the Disney company. Or their subsidiaries, like ESPN. And no critic for a major outlet has ever given a negative review of a Disney movie. Never. Not ever! What to make of that?
I’ll tell you what to make of that! This failure of A Wrinkle In Time can only mean ONE THING.
Wake up, sheeple
Disney knows that such brilliant internet sleuths like myself are ONTO THEM. So they’re trying to throw us off the scent by making a planned failure. DISNEY IS NOW PAYING CRITICS TO SAY THAT THEIR MOVIE IS NOT THAT GOOD AS A WAY OF HIDING THE TRUTH THAT THEY PAY CRITICS TO SAY THAT STAR WARS IS GOOD AND DC IS BAD. That’s the god-to-honest truth, I’m sad to say.
So there are a few important things to take away from this:
- Only read fan reviews.
- Never read reviews from critics, but more importantly:
- Never AGREE with reviews from critics.
- If somebody asks you for evidence that Disney is paying critics to boost their Rotten Tomatoes score, send them this link.
(This post is a work of satire.)